The Armchair Fan: Football's Other Face

25/09/08 Arsenal

Wenger to write new national anthem

After details of Arsene Wenger’s motivational skills leaked to the press this week, Arsenal have revealed that their manager has been approached to write a new national anthem for the English football team.

The pearls of wisdom which Wenger bestows on his players- such as “believe in the team”, “want to win” and “just get it to Fabregas” –have spurred the Gunners at the top of the table, and Fabio Capello has not overlooked the effect it could potentially have on England’s overpaid wannabes.

“Sometimes we just do not have the desire,” sighed Capello after another dreadful performance by England against Andorra a few weeks ago. “What we really need is a nice song*.”

Mr Wenger has played down his skills as a musician, but has hinted he may be willing to write some patriotic rhetoric, despite his French roots.

“I’m not a music maker to be honest,” he confided. “But I do like to listen to a bit of Duffy when times get hard.”

“I’d be happy to jot down a few ideas if England really need a good song to get them going. Who knows, with the state of music in the twenty-first century, I may even write a rap.”

Many fans have been angered by the proposals however, citing Wenger’s habit of being from France as an insurmountable obstacle.

“We can’t have the fans singing in French,” said one fan, who clearly didn’t understand the issue.

Dawn French

“We don’t want our pride and joy- Steven Gerrard –to take the pitch to a chorus of another nationality’s sentiments,” said another, who had a larger vocabulary. “Whether he writes it for us or not, you only have these feelings for your place of birth. He’ll undoubtedly be writing them with France in mind, even if he does use the word England.

“For God’s sake, he’ll probably even have the thing played on a recorder. How soft is that?!”

*There is no actual evidence that Capello really said this. But he may well have done behind closed doors.

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23/09/08 Pompey

James raises £350,000 for charity

Alleged Portsmouth goalkeeper David James, who was at fault for over eleven of Manchester City’s six goals as the Eastlands this weekend, has raised over £350,000 for the blind. James became the first professional football player to play ninety minutes with his eyes closed, in a stunt he hopes will draw attention to the daily problems for blind people all over the country.

“We are immensely grateful to David,” said Hanry Spears from the Royal National Institute for the Blind. “He has managed to bring the issue of sightless people to the public view in just one weekend. We hope now to be able to afford guide-dogs for every blind person in the UK, including Nigel Bannister.”

The charitable stunt received huge amounts of sponsorship and will undoubtedly do a lot of good for the visually impaired, but there are rumours that the vast majority of the cash came from Manchester City’s owners. Mark Hughes denies this though.

“We never rated him anyway,” he explained.

David James in goal

David James himself said he was “satisfied” with the way the situation turned out.

“Yes, it cost us a few goals, and, as things go over the season, it may potentially cost us a place in Europe next year,” the stopper stated. “But in one day I have successfully publicised a worthy cause, and have probably done quite a bit to conquer domestic abuse, after the way Harry reacted in the changing room.”

Portsmouth defender Sol Campbell was less impressed with the stunt.

“He could have just got in a glass box hung above the Thames or something,” he fumed. “Instead he’s made us look a laughing stock. If I have to see that idiot Robinho sucking his thumb one more time I think I’m going to smack him. Who is he, anyway- Maggie Simpson?”

David James has confirmed that next match he will be raising money for cancer awareness, essentially by letting in another five and getting sent off.

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22/09/08 Stoke

Stoke confirm Man U hatred

Stoke City have moved to end speculation that they have no real rivals in the Premier League by publically confirming their dislike of Manchester United. The newly-promoted team had been criticised by neighbouring Premier League hotspots such as the north west for being “nowhere very special” and failing to bring a nice fiery derby game into the league this season. However, after consulting with fans, the board made this statement yesterday:

“We at Stoke dislike other teams almost evenly, but retain a healthy dislike of Manchester United. At all future home games we will affirm this by singing the time-honoured Premier League refrain “stand up if you hate Man U” and then rising to our feet in demonstration of our support for the opinion. We would also like to make it clear that we are not too keen on Liverpool, Tottenham or Derby County either.”

You're not coming in if you support United

Stoke fans vented their feelings warmly towards the league champions.

“Nobody likes the Man U fans,” explained one fan TAF spoke to. “They’re so bloody proved-right all the time. They only lose about once a year and then they always blame it on something else- they should try supporting Stoke for a season or two! That’d teach them a bit of grace in defeat!”

Manchester United were unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson for Spurs said they felt “harshly treated”.

“I don’t know how we get this bad rep,” she said wringing her hands. “We’re ever so nice really.”

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19/09/08 Ferguson

Ferguson: Hackett made Lehman Bros bankrupt

Alex Ferguson has released a foul-mouthed tirade against head referee Keith Hackett accusing him of favouring Chelsea players in disputes over suspensions, and causing the bankruptcy of mammoth US bank Lehman Bros.

Mr Ferguson, who has previously spoken out against other apparently “unfair” situations such as the fact that both his Manchester United team and their arch rivals Liverpool both wear red, claimed Mr Hackett would “never” overturn a ban for one of his players in the manner he did this week for England captain John Terry, adding that he had then “callously and childishly” knocked out a large investment bank in a “smug act of arrogance”.

“Lehman Bros was an investment bank started by three brothers over 150 years ago,” explained Mr Ferguson. “Manchester United have scored over 150 goals in the past few seasons, and I myself have a brother- as do many of the players and their families. It is a clear message that Hackett is biased against me and my team in favour of Chelsea.”

When asked exactly how the head referee was responsible for the US giant’s downfall, Ferguson became even more furious (but importantly not more red-faced).

“He was overturning so many things for Chelsea this week he even went one step further and overturned the stock exchange,” said the Man Utd boss, displaying a particularly poor understanding of economics. “He’s probably hoping to do in AIG next, as they sponsor us.”

Mr Hackett said Ferguson’s comments were “regrettable”.

“I have never knowingly contributed to the redundancy of any investment bank,” he said in a statement. “I have however taken great pride in voting Conservative for the past two elections, and will be immensely happy when we get that rubbish Labour party out of office.”

The FA are investigating Mr Hackett’s old bank account at Northern Rock for evidence that he ruined that for everyone too.

A Lehman Brother yesterday

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18/09/08 Wenger

Wenger admits sleeping through transfer window

Arsene Wenger has publicly apologised to Arsenal fans this morning after admitting he slept through the majority of the transfer window.

The Gunners’ lack of summer spending has grated on some fans, who feel a strike force involving Emmanuel Adebeyor is about as much use as getting Arsene to try threading some passes through himself (although they admit Mr Wenger would probably have a better first touch). After the signing of Samir Nasri many fans felt this would be the year Arsenal finally spent some big money, but from then on no significant transfers were made.

Mr Wenger has admitted on BBC Radio Little Chesterford that his lack of activity was down to a new brand of sleeping pill he has been taking, and that he missed not only the entire last week, but the crucial deadline day as well.

Mr Wenger described himself as “appalled” at his actions, confirming he would have liked to bring in “three or four unknown Africans” had he been awake, with the possibility of “a white guy” as well. However, due to his insomnia cure, he will have to wait until January before refusing to spend money again.

“I had been kept awake all August by my wife’s snoring,” said Mr Wenger, “And I had to do something about it. I took some pills- the same stuff David Seaman was on when he let that Ronaldinho free kick go straight over his head in 2002. They just knocked me right out and I missed about eight days.”

The Arsenal manager could only apologise to the fans and promise it would never happen again, but he stressed he was now concentrating on Arsenal’s football this season.

“I would like to see some shooting this year,” he explained to listeners. “Last year we were too busy passing and making pretty patterns on the pitch. This time I think we may have a look at taking a shot or two, to see if it suits our beautiful style of play.

“Rest assured though; if it doesn’t turn out to be the footballing equivalent of multiple orgasms, I won’t let them do it.”

Arsene Wenger yesterday

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15/09/08 Keegan

Keegan to play next Bond

After ending his second tenure at the helm of Newcastle United recently, Kevin Keegan has been sounded out by producers over playing England’s favourite spy in the next James Bond movie. While the current Bond, Daniel Craig, has been a huge hit with fans (particularly those attracted to rippling muscles and blue eyes), he has reportedly been “getting shirty” about signing up for future films. It is thought he would prefer to concentrate on more “serious” films, leaving the way open for King Kev to fill his shoes.

King Kev has no acting experience to date, but producers feel he has the innate star quality needed to become a successful actor.

“Anyone who can still pull off a seventies haircut and capture the hearts of one of the most hostile English settlements is a good bet,” said a Hollywood professional. “He has got the skills you need- his Geordie accent is perfect; you’d never know he was brought up speaking English.”

King Kev himself was unavailable for comment, but his wife did mention he was giving the matter “some serious thought”.

The next Bond film, “James Bond: Death Is Not The End”, is set to start filming in late 2008, with an all star cast which may include acting beauties Noémie Lenoir and Jessia Alba, will see Bond performing death-defying stunts, such as tight-rope fighting over the Niagra Falls and a 30,000 ft drop with no parachute into a lake of crocodiles. Aside from the obvious publicity associated with using a celebrity such as King Kev for the part, directors believe it will cut the budget significantly, as he will be able to do all his own stunts.

“He’s very supple,” said a source at Warner Brothers Pictures.

The name's Kev. King Kev.

“I am astounded,” said astounded Newcastle owner Mike Ashley. “Not about the film, but the fact that he’s gone. No one tells me anything.”

With King Kev on board, the producers are likely to attempt to draw in other footballing characters, such as Harry Redknapp as Blofeld and Gary Megson as a wardrobe.

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12/09/08 Boro

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline

Middlesbrough have been forced to cancel their match away to Portsmouth as their exceptionally young squad has some A Level coursework to give in the next day. Boro, who partly due to injuries have fielded team with a combined average age of 17 years and 23 weeks so far this season, took the drastic step after manager Gareth Southgate was told Marvin Emnes was not keeping up with his work by his teacher.

“It is a shame for the fans who had already booked their tickets and travel,” said Southgate to a gathered fan, “But the boys’ schoolwork is my number one priority.

“When I heard Marvin was behind with his work, I cancelled the game immediately. Football is a nice pass time, but none of them here are good enough to make a career out of it, and it’s qualifications which make the difference in life.”

Allegations of cheating on homework assignments were levelled at David Wheater and an unknown other after this photograph came to light

“I’m obviously disappointed,” said new signing Justin Hoyte, who is studying for A Levels in Home Economics and General Studies, “But it’s our own fault really. We know we have to get down to coursework after training, but some of us have been playing Playstation games too many times this week, and with the deadline for our first draft so soon, getting to Portsmouth and back was unthinkable.”

Southgate was keen to stress the regret with which he had come to the decision, but refused to rule out the possibility of more cancellations unless Andrew Taylor significantly improved his joined up writing.

Portsmouth officials have expressed their dissatisfaction with the outcome, but acknowledge the boys’ best interests are in mind. They kindly even offered David Nugent as a personal tutor to Hoyte and Emnes, but found he was unavailable as he was job hunting in London.

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10/09/08 Capello

England pressured to pick Cole by his mother

England manager Fabio Capello was put under increasing pressure to play Joe Cole in their qualifying match against Croatia tonight after receiving a stiffly worded letter from the player’s mother.

Capello revealed in conversation with a reporter from the Kings Lynn Gazette that Mrs Cole was unhappy her son had not been playing ninety minutes recently for his club or his country, as it was frustrating him and “making him behave very badly round the house”.

Even Joe's hair is a law unto itself

Cole, who has been England’s most creative and technically proficient player for years now, and whose performances on the left wing were the best things to come out of the last World Cup and subsequent disastrous qualifying campaign the next year, has been regularly benched or substituted off by his Chelsea manager Phil Scolari and now the international manager too. Despite a midfield about as capable of beating a man as John Terry though, Capello revealed he has issues with the winger’s attacking play.

“I do not like the way he tries to score goals,” said the astute Italian. “It is disrespectful to the opposition. I like good mannered players like Downing, who have the courtesy to send their crosses too far behind the strikers. Scoring goals can cause diplomatic upset, and nobody wants another war.”

Mr Scolari is already on record as disliking the talented midfielder’s skills.

“If I wanted tricks I’d play Paul Daniels,” he sniffed at a Chelsea press conference last week. “I ask him to play defensively and he doesn’t, so I take him off after about an hour.”

It is this same disregard for authority which saw the maverick Joe famously use a swear word at the dinner table at the age of seven, but his mother Mrs Cole says he has now channelled that aggression, and is ready to prove himself at the highest level.

“Of course he should play- he’s the best one on the team. All our family think so.”

Mr Capello does not seem so sure though.

“If someone is naturally wild and does not obey authority, you cannot change him. It didn’t work for the guy from Top Gun, it didn’t work for Batman, and it won’t work for Cole. Although to be fair, it did work for Wolf off the old series of Gladiators, so I may give it a shot.”

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6/09/08 England

England scrape past Andorran boy scouts

England’s qualifying campaign got off to a winning start after a brace from Joe Cool helped them scrape past a visiting Andorran group of boy scouts on a field trip. The scouts were visiting Barcelona to learn about the famous Catalan knots displayed around the city, and stopped off on the coach journey home to represent their country in a game of football.

Victorious manager Fabio Capello declared himself “delighted” with the three points, but must have been fairly dismayed at the efforts which it took his millionaires to overcome the Andorran youths, who had reportedly never played eleven-a-side football before.

The first half was frustrating for England, with the Andorran habit of tackling and pressuring their players putting them right out of their stride. This ungrateful tactic was hardly a fitting response from the scout group, who could reasonably have just settled for taking the pitch with some of the world’s most tattooed footballers, and sportingly shown them where the net was. However, in a rudeness typical of Johnny foreigner, they exposed England’s toothless attack by refusing to widen their goalposts and even forcing some players to break into a run.

The inevitable goals did come though, when Chelsea mascot Joe Cole was popped on in the second half. The first was a nice volley when his marker was distracted by sewing on his International Football badge to his scout shirt, and the second was a simple tap in. There was a suspicion of offside, but replays showed he had been played onside by an Andorran woggle casually discarded by the goalkeeper.

A scout group yesterday

The rest of the game was fairly dull, before it came to a premature end when the Andorran boys went off to build a campfire. England’s next game is against Croatia where the manager will be hoping for more of the same, if not a good performance.

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8/09/08 West Ham

Hammers appoint Simon Cowell as manager

East End football outfit West Ham have announced they will be revealing Simon Cowell as their new manager within days. Cowell, famous for being the nasty one off X Factor and for wearing ridiculously long trousers, will be unveiled to the press and fans later this week after signing a five-year deal at The Boleyn Ground.

The appointment has come as a surprise to many pundits, who fail to see the qualifications of a musical entrepreneur for managing an ambitious Premiership club; however, West Ham chairman Scott Duxbury found it simple to justify the move.

“I had been drinking at the time,” he confirmed.

After Alan Curbishley resigned due to an alleged transfer passivity sabotaging his alleged vision and alleged tactical planning, Cowell is likely to bring a far more authoritarian approach to the dressing room, which already boasts the fiery personalities of captain Lucas Neill, amateur golfer Craig Bellamy and occasional footballer Kieron Dyer. However, having already made some important decision, Cowell feels able to cope with the heat.

Simon hates Julien Faubert's Marvin Gaye impression

“The first thing I did on getting the job was ring Lee Bowyer,” said the square-headed Cowell. “I just said ‘look Lee- you haven’t got it. It’s a no from me.’ He is now on the transfer list and I will be accepting bids of £7.20 or over.”

While his knowledge of football is likely to be limited, Cowell already has plans to widen the image and appeal of the club, bringing with him his own marketing team. Plans include regular tours with the team spending their summers from now on playing games daily in various cities before probably developing drug addictions and flashing their genitalia at reporters.

Many fans are appalled at the apparent transformation of their club into a money-making machine. Pete from Bishops Stortford said “It’s a bloody disgrace. I’d like being able to phone in and vote for the starting eleven, but I don’t like the idea of making them play in vests. It’s all just a bit boy band- we’re not Spurs!”

Cowell has stopped filming the current series of X Factor in order to dedicate himself to his new role, and will be holding auditions for new players in the near future. You will be able to tune in to “Hammer Factor” and the spin-off “Hammer Time: After the Whistle” presented by Tim Lovejoy on ITV from the end of the January transfer window.

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6/09/08 Quashie

West Ham reject £50 million bid for Quashie

TAF can exclusively reveal that in the midst of the transfer window’s final day, West Ham rejected a staggering £50 million offer for midfielder Nigel Quashie. Nigel “The Relegator” Quashie, who has not played a first team game for the Hammers since becoming mysteriously injured in their 4-3 home loss to Spurs last season, remained part of the manager’s plans until he resigned earlier this week. West Ham’s board of directors has made it clear that the rejection of the bid was unconnected with his departure, indicating that they themselves had agreed with the decision.

“Nigel Quashie is the focus point for our future plans,” said West Ham chief executive Scott Duxbury this morning. “We understand Manchester City’s interest, but their valuation of the player was nowhere near our own.”

The new money at Manchester City was accompanied by wild claims that they intend to purchase a squad of about 18 world renowned superstars, and Nigel Quashie appears to fit the bill perfectly. It has not been lost on the Manchester or West Ham boards that a man who tastes defeat will fight twice as hard to avoid the same happening again, and over a career which has seen him relegated with QPR, Southampton and West Brom, Mr Quashie has certainly been served more than his fair share of defeat.

The face of beautiful football

An intelligent player who is a fans’ favourite due to his not having been sold to Spurs or Chelsea yet, Nigel was unavailable for comment. However, it is likely he will have been disappointed at being denied the chance to take the world by storm at Man City; especially with the probability that he would have been a first choice player over Robinho.

West Ham fans were only too pleased to keep him.

“He’s not played for us a lot what with injuries and that,” said one fan, “But he has a certain way about him. When he gets the ball he could do anything- give it away, fall over it, pump it into touch, whatever. You just can’t read him. I don’t even think he knows what he’s going to do himself, and that’s what makes him so dangerous to the opposition. I’m glad we’ve kept him.”

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4/09/08 Team Manchester

Arabs to create Team Manchester

After Manchester City’s astonishing takeover by the Abu Dhabi Investment Group, the new owners announced their entire vision for the future of football: Team Manchester.

With Manchester already the home to two Premier League teams, the money-sweating bosses are said to be unable to resist the domination which would result from a merger of the two clubs into a footballing nirvana, simply called Team Manchester. Managed jointly by Sir Alex Ferguson and his butler Mark Hughes, the squad would be trimmed of the gristle (namely Didi Hamann) and the fat (namely the Glazer brothers) and compete as a twenty five to thirty-strong squad. Featuring in both the Champions League and the UEFA Cup, the team would play in an amalgamation of United and City’s original kits –a darkish purple with white trim- at a specially-built stadium with a capacity of over 100,000.

The mix of two rival teams is unlikely to be simple, with a fiercely passionate mutual dislike already shared between the players and fans, but the ADIG feel there is enough common ground to build a lasting relationship.

“They all bloody hate Liverpool,” a spokesperson explained. “If it kicks off between them we’ll just put a film of Liverpool winning the Champions League is 2001 on the big screen. That’ll bring everyone together.”

Another good combination of red and blue- soon to be signed for TM

The placement of the ground is another thorny issue however.

“We obviously realise that for sentimental reasons it should be in Manchester,” the spokesperson explained. “However, we’re been there, and we don’t like it. Not only that, but the global appeal of the super-team means we will get a better catchment area if we put it more centrally; in Birmingham for example. They could do with a football team there. In fact, the weakest aspect of both teams really is their location. We’ll probably try Birmingham for now, and then in the future look to go somewhere a bit warmer. Like Cyprus.”

Many fans are unhappy with the proposals to amalgamate the clubs, but the ADIG feel success on the pitch is likely to appease them.

“Well we’ll have to play double the games now, won’t we. The fixture list is already made. That gives us twice the opportunities to get points, so we’re odds on to win the league already.”

While the scheme may be risky, it is almost certain that money will eventually prevail, and Team Manchester will dominate world sport for years to come. What did you want; a moral?

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2/09/08 West Ham

West Ham fans boo kitman

West Ham fans have turned against their kit man, blaming him for their poor football over the last 15 games and roundly booing him weekly at Upton Park. The supporters, who are renowned for making their feelings clear and for accepting nothing less than entertaining football, staged a protest before their game against Blackburn this weekend, demanding the club remove their kitman Tony Cates from his position.

“It’s bloody ridiculous,” said one fan we spoke to. “The new board came in a few years ago spouting all this stuff about taking us forwards and bringing back the feel-good factor, then they let this guy get away with murder.”

The cause of the problem appears to be the belief that the claret and blue shirts show up badly against the background of green grass, Curbishley’s hang-dog expression, and snarling supporters’ angry faces. While in other seasons the contrast between the claret and blue so proudly worn by many England players before moving on to more successful clubs (and Spurs) was easy to pick up, the recent mood around Upton Park, along with the appointment of the uncharismatic Alan Curbishley, has resulted in the red-faced supporters creating a backdrop which blurs the shirt with the crowd, making it harder to pick out passes.

Some angry fans. Unrelated.

“They just hump long balls up now,” said another fan. “It’s as though they can’t see each other and hit it and hope. And when you’ve got a 4 foot 3 Fred Sears up front, that’s not a load of good.”

Cates the kitman has refused to take responsibility for the problems however.

“I can’t be blamed for the club colours,” he said angrily. “That Curbishley is just such a bland bloke, it’s hard to pick out any emotion, let alone the sight of your left winger standing on his left. As for the fans- they seem to enjoy booing the team as much as they enjoy booing Frank Lampard. It’s just a red sea of anger out there, so it’s no wonder Lucas Neil just hits it 50 yards aimlessly whenever he gets the ball.”

Rather than resigning, Cates suggested a different solution to the predicament.

“Sight screens like in cricket would do it,” he explained. “They don’t want to see the crap we play here anyway; we may as well put some white boards up round the pitch. Then we’d be able to see a bit more.”

Alan Curbishley refused to comment. Well, to be honest he may have done- he sent TAF to sleep within two minutes of answering the phone.

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1/09/08 McClaren: First written 17/08/08 for http://www.soccerlens.com/

An astonishing leaked interview with former England boss Steve “Umbrella” McClaren has made it clear to British football authorities that the man they entrusted with England’s dismal Euro 2008 qualifying campaign was in fact a Dutch spy, sent in to sabotage English football.

The interview shown here is thought to have been taken when McClaren was relaxed and off guard, unaware of his English audience. He is shown speaking with his natural Dutch accent, only occasionally slipping into the pretend northern dialect he adopted during his days at Manchester United.

“We’re fuming,” said Brian Barwick (with a capital ‘B’). “The bloody Dutch did us twice- first they sent him to learn the secrets of football from the altar that is Old Trafford, and then they got him to wreck our chances at qualifying for the Euros. If I didn’t have a ridiculous moustache, you’d see my upper lip quivering in anger.”

It is believed the plot was begun after Shearer, Sheringham and co. whipped the Netherlands team 4-1 at Euro ’96. McClaren was appointed assistant manager at Manchester United in December 1998, having spent two years perfecting a northern accent and a wrinkled yet child-like demeanour, so as to pass under the radar. Having spent five years pretending to manage at Middlesbrough, Dutch authorities elevated his status by plying him with talented Dutch players like Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, and fixing two UEFA Cup games to let Boro come back from seemingly hopeless positions to reach the final on Dutch soil, in Eindhoven.

With the ability to win two cup games in a row making him the stand-out candidate for an “English” successor to Sven Goran Eriksson, McClaren was put in charge of the nations 2008 hopes, and duly conspired to wreck them. On the 15^th November 2006, with England leading the Dutch 1-0 in the last fifteen minutes, McClaren responded to the calls of his fatherland; he immediately subbed on Kieron Richardson, with the inevitable result that England conceded. Rafael Van der Vaart stroking home from ten tards with four minutes to go, and English morale was shattered.

From then on, he used the team’s low self esteem to churn out mind-numbingly poor performances, both failing to qualify, and, in the case of corners, consistently failing to clear the first man. Selections such as Michael Johnson and Wayne Bridge reduced the England team to a laughing stock, and Steve stepped down in November last year with revenge duly gained for his Dutch homeland.

Steve spent a sabbatical touring the windmills of the world, and then took a cushy coaching job back in Holland, with a large pension and a contented smile.

“Yes, I’d always suspected something,” said John Terry, wise after the event. “There were just a few too many tulips around the place. And who comes to training by canal!?”

Mr McClaren is now thought to be the cause of the credit crunch, global warming, and the Cillit Bang adverts as well.

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1/09/08 Paper Talk: First written 9/08/08 for http://www.soccerlens.com/

A run down of the summer silly season can leave newspaper readers in no doubt: there have been a lot of big-money transfers already.

Depending who you believe, both Chelsea and Spurs have signed Andrei Sergeyevich Arshavin at least four times, for fees ranging from about £20 million to about £50 million. If you are surprised about the lack of pictures of the striker in training at White Hart Lane however, that is simply because the deal is actually going to be concluded “before the end of the week”, or even because the move has been held up over problems stemming from the fact that he looks extraordinarily similar to Klaas Jan Huntelaar, who has recently signed for Manchester United. And Arsenal. And even Newcastle actually, depending which paper you buy.

Klaas Jan Huntelaar yesterday

All of Chelsea’s squad is on the transfer list, which is why they have lost all their big name players- Tal Ben Haim, Steve Sidwell, Khalid Boulahrouz and Ryan Bertrand –to world class Champions League teams like Man City, Aston Villa and Norwich. This is a sign the team are in disarray, at the same time as a clear indication Scolari has made his mark on the team and good things are to come this season.

Ronaldo has clarified his future pretty much every day of the week, telling Sir Alex in both blazing rows and amicable chats that he is demanding to be transferred, while expressing his deep desire to play for the team for years to come. He has refused to come back from his holiday, refused to talk to Sir Alex, and is so angry he has even managed to come back to England early and have a ‘productive’ face-to-face meeting with his manager.

Gareth Barry’s move from Villa to Liverpool is definitely on, with the only stumbling block to the player joining up with his new team mates being the fact that the clubs haven’t agreed a fee, he hasn’t agreed personal terms, and the fact that he’s going to be staying at Villa.

Liverpool have managed to sign David Villa and David Bentley though, explaining perfectly why Villa is still in Spain and Bentley has recently donned a very tight white Tottenham shirt. Than again, you can see why Villa would want to play in the Premier league, what with Ronaldinho having agreed personal terms with Man City months ago now.

The conclusion is this: either hang on to the papers’ every word looking for hopeful news about you club’s summer dabbling in the transfer market and argue about it with your friends over your club’s ambition, or remember one thing- until they sign on the dotted line; until they are pictured beaming on the website waving a home shirt, talking about their desire to make an impact, how they can’t wait to meet up with the lads, how the manager’s vision drew them to such a big club, how they supported the team as a boy and have always looked out for their results; until the club website has described them as an ‘international’ despite the fact the closest they ever came to winning a cap was carrying on the drinks against Mongolia in a friendly in 2003; until they’ve been pictured in all the shop merchandise on the homepage and you’ve been warned the shirts with their name are ‘flying’ out so you will have to buy yours soon; until rival fans have told you how they are only using your team to put themselves in the shop window and they will never adjust to the Premiership anyway; until your club is accused of inflating transfer prices and paying enormous wages; until the previous player to play in their position has said they welcome the challenge of more competition, despite the fact you know they will never be seen on a football pitch again; until the club waxes lyrical about a three-yard sideways pass the guy made under no pressure in a pre-season friendly against Bognor Reserves, and uses it as evidence that he has loads to offer the team…

…it’s really all just talk. Don’t believe everything you read, kids.

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1/09/08 Transfer Window: First Written 5/08/08 for http://www.soccerlens.com/

After a week in which Robbie Keane declared his undying love for Liverpool, David Bentley announced Tottenham Hotspur had ‘always had a piece of his heart’ (presumably a piece he managed to ignore while he was playing at Arsenal), it was only inevitable that Spurs target Roman Pavlyuchenko revealed he has had the club’s emblem tattooed on his shoulder since the tender age of 4.

“I have always loved Tottenham Rovers,” the Russian striker confided to numerous Tottenham board members in an interview on his website. “When I was a baby in the womb I kicked whenever anyone mentioned Glenn Hoddle. My first memory is watching the 1982 cup final when Spurs beat Queens Park Rangers, and since then it has always been my dream to play for them. I only eat Walkers crisps just to feel closer to Gary Lineaker. Even though I have played for another team all my life and never visited England without the Russian national team, I am as Spurs-mad as Bobby Zamora or Dimitar Berbatov.” In short, ‘please sign me’.

Footballers always follow their heart though. Other revelations this week included Pascal Chimbonda’s remarkable admission that he used to play on the sands of Guadeloupe in a Sunderland shirt, despite numerous old friends struggling to recall it. Many people had wrongly labelled the right-back, who famously handed Wigan a transfer request minutes after their relegation from the Premiership in 2006, a ‘mercenary’, who ‘bottled penalties’, but will now doubtless understand that the player was simply responding to a personal calling which he could not ignore.

“I used to dislike him,” said one Wigan fan we spoke to. “But now I see he’s just living his dream to play for Sunderland. And who can possibly complain about that? That’ll be why he went to Spurs in the first place.”

Chimbonda confirmed this. “I am here to make a genuine title challenge,” he said, adding “no, it’s definitely not just for the money.”

Some players were even clarifying their allegiances before transfer were even discussed. This week Cesc Fabregas denied he had ever been affiliated with Barcelona, thus hinting the door was still open for a move to Real Madrid in the future. “I can see why people would think that an ex-Barcelona youngster, who was born, raised in and started playing for Barcelona, who came through the Barcelona youth team and who went to his first Barcelona game at the age of 9 months, would have more pride and loyalty than to sign for their biggest rivals Real Madrid,” admitted the midfielder. “That would undoubtedly be quite disloyal. The thing is though, I’m not one of those people. I know why you may think that, what with all the Barcelona memorabilia I used to have in my room as a kid, and the pictures of me training with the Barca youth team. Actually though, that’s all a mistake. The blue and red bedspread I used to sleep in was actually due to my life-long devotion to Aldershot Town who play in the same colours, and when you think you see me in a Barca shirt, it’s actually just my dad’s stripey pyjama top.”

Cesc's true home

That is all without mentioning Harry Kewell.

How nice to see such dedicated modern footballers, and how refreshing to know they’re not all as selfish as that nasty Ronaldo who wants to play for his boyhood team.

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