The Armchair Fan: Football's Other Face

James raises £350,000 for charity with 6-goal thriller at City

Ferguson: "Hackett caused Lehman Brothers bankrupcy

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline

14/10/08 Circus

Rio describes England circus

Rio Ferdinand has told the press about how the England players once formed a travelling circus in an effort to escape Steve McClaren’s arduous training sessions.

“We knew Russia was keen on its circuses,” said the stand-in captain before the game with Belarus this week. “We sneaked out of the hotel one evening in the minibus and tried to pass ourselves off as a travelling circus. We just couldn’t take another session with Steve acting like he was our best mate.”

“I didn’t mind him being friendly, but trying to come clubbing with us too was just taking it too far.”

Ferdinand explained they made it to a local town by bus, where they tried their luck performing tricks to earn their plane fare home.

“Crouchie was a clown,” he said grinning, “and Stevie G was a magician. He had a great routine where he pulled all sorts of stuff out of a hat- young Theo Walcott was transfixed. John Terry was a strongman with polystyrene weights to make him look hard, and Frank Lampard was a soldier. I don’t think there are soldiers in the circus- he may just like dressing up.”

The England defence 2007

“I was a lion tamer, but obviously you don’t get lions in Russia so I just got Wayne Rooney to suck on a lemon and pretend he was a pit bull- people loved it.

“Come to think of it, I’m not sure I ever actually gave him the lemon.”

Ferdinand admitted the escapade did not get them too far, after locals recognised the pretence when Micah Richards genuinely sawed a young lady from the audience in half.

“We ended up staying and had to play in the game the next day. It was ridiculous- Wayne Bridge had swallowed too much helium and David James had severe burns after a fire-eating display. No wonder we bloody lost.”

Last Month:

James raises £350,000 for charity with 6-goal thriller at City

Ferguson: "Hackett caused Lehman Brothers bankrupcy

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline

10/10/08 Offside

Offside rule "denies human rights"

The offside rule has been branded “illegal” by the European Court of Justice (ECJ) as it restricts players’ fundamental rights to freedom. The ruling, delivered this week by judges on The X Factor, has led to protests from football bosses, but relief from centre-forwards.

“I don’t really like all this running,” admitted Yakubu. “It’ll be nice to be able to goal-hang again.”

The conflict arose after pressure from human rights campaigners forced the ECJ to look into the matter, which striker Adebayor felt was “constricting” his “game”. The fundamental human right to freedom is clearly impinged by a rule which prevents attacking players moving into areas of the field, with The Daily Mirror commenting “If the Polish can come all the way over here, why can’t Wayne Rooney even just go as far as the penalty area?”

For strikers such as Adebayor, the ruling will lead to a far more relaxing game, as he needn’t even bother running back to pretend to defend with his team mates, and can just sit on the penalty spot which his Arsenal side sets him up chances on a plate. For defenders however it is bad news, with the possibility that they will actually have to make some tackles.

Common sense on the continent

“It used to be fun, just stepping up when they were about to pass it,” said one centre-back we spoke to. “Now I’m going to have to get a bit dirty. It’s all a little bit of a pain.”

Premier League managers accused legal officials of “meddling” with the game, before substituting players on in injury time with a very similar motive.

Chief referee Keith Hackett was pleased with the move.

“It’s a lot easier for us refs if there are fewer rules,” he said smugly. “Next I’m going to try to get them to ban penalties as well. We’ll be sitting pretty.”

In dramatic off-shoots from the decision, it is also expected that centre-circles will become officially classified as demilitarised zones, and that corner flags will now include the image of the Queen.

Last Month:

James raises £350,000 for charity with 6-goal thriller at City

Ferguson: "Hackett caused Lehman Brothers bankrupcy

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline

08/10/08 Villa

Milner on bench after BBC 606 comments

Aston Villa manager Martin O’Niell has revealed that he has been using £12 million signing James Milner as a substitute after the player was labelled “overrated” by a poster on BBC 606. The popular chatroom often sees fans vocalise their thoughts on players of their own and other clubs, but this is the first time it has impacted a top flight club to this extent.

O’Neill became aware of the comments by a user named Big_Phil_lovesTheGame08 after he posted comments on the Aston Villa forum, and since then is said to be regretting the transfer.

“I neva r8d him,” posted the eloquent Mr Big_Phil_lovesTheGame08 over the summer. “He is overrated. poor signing by MoN” Despite the lack of correct punctuation and a profile which states the poster’s allegiance to Watford, the damming assessment of Milner’s ability has reduced him to the role of an impact player, much in the same way Marlon Harewood is brought on to entertain the fans late in the game.

Slagged off on 606

“I was shocked,” admitted O’Neill. “I had always thought he was quite good. I didn’t know about any of this before I signed him.”

Despite many 606 users reacting angrily to the comments- many branding Big_Phil_lovesTheGame08 a “WUM”, or “wind up merchant”, who intentionally spreads unrest on rival teams’ boards with pointless and irritating comments –O’Neill seems to have taken the criticism to heart, and Milner may well be in the transfer list in January.

“We run this club for the fans,” said Villa owner Randy Lerner, sitting on a throne of cash. “If the public don’t like a player, we’ll lose him. I mean sell him of course- you won’t get me in court over that!”

Milner was a promising prospect at Newcastle, gaining a reputation which led him to the England U21s, but it seems the venomous 606 message board has claimed its first football victim. This will not please all fans; responses to Big_Phil_lovesTheGame08’s comments included “Is it time for school yet?” followed by a smile face smacking himself in the forehead, “typical blues supporter” and “he is not overrated you mug we will be in the champions league this year COYV!!!!!!!!!!!!” by more passionate and encouraged supporters.

However in a world where freedom of speech lets people express their feelings so easily it seems only likely that such occurrences will only increase in the future. TAF is now off to campaign for better hot dogs at Wembley on an internet forum.

Last Month:

James raises £350,000 for charity with 6-goal thriller at City

Ferguson: "Hackett caused Lehman Brothers bankrupcy

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline

04/10/08 Newcastle

Newcastle United won in a lucky dip

After the main players in takeover talks with Newcastle United distanced themselves from the club, a man from Gloucester has become the new chairman after winning the club in a lucky dip.

Peter Oak was “pleasantly surprised” to come away with the club after visiting a fundraiser for his local WI, in which he paid 50p to take part in a lucky dip for a ‘mystery prize’. On realising he had won the Toon, he was unable to prevent himself smiling, although it did not stop him also trying to get Everton in the tombola.

“I hadn’t really expected it to be honest,” said Mr Oak. “I knew Mike Ashley was trying to get rid of the club, but to resort to this- it seems a little drastic.”

He stressed he had not had much time to think through his plans for the club, but that he would be meeting with the current board “as soon as possible” and would let them talk him through their vision to “become less of a laughing stock”.

The lucky dip in question

“I don’t think it’s going to be easy,” said Mr Oak, “But I will do my best. Commuting up there for games will be a bit tricky though- I may look into moving them down here somewhere.”

Mr Oak refused to comment on the Kevin Keegan situation, but hinted that he may still be open to the idea of a Kevolution at the club. He also confirmed he would not be leaving his full time job in a garden centre at the current time, but promised to reconsider the situation should his commitments to the Gloucestershire Horticultural Centre become too stifling.

Fans are said to be “unimpressed” by the happenings, but are used to an element of farce in all the club’s dealings anyway.

Last Month:

James raises £350,000 for charity with 6-goal thriller at City

Ferguson: "Hackett caused Lehman Brothers bankrupcy

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline

02/10/08 Tottenham Hotspur

Poyet revealed to be a puppet

Spurs’ troubled times have grown even worse with the revealation that assistant manager Gus Poyet left his position a few weeks ago and has since been replaced by a puppet.

Mr Poyet is said to have left after an altercation with gaffer Juande Ramos, in which it is alleged he referred to his superior as looking like “one of the rat pack” and accused his of having the haircut of a “poor man’s Dean Martin”. He is now believed to be taking some time out from the game on a beach in the Caribbean, while his role in the dugout has been taken by a ventriloquist’s dummy.

Phil Scolari shows off his own assistant manager

It is not known exactly what caused the upset in the dressing room, but Spurs insiders have assured TAF that the dummy is only a temporary replacement, and the club will look to replace Poyet with a real-life fully-functioning human being in the foreseeable future. In the meantime, Juande Ramos will continue to have pretend conversations with the Poyet dummy in the dugout to reassure the Tottenham fans that everything is hunky-dory.

“It actually hasn’t caused as much of a problem as it could have done,” confided one member of the backroom staff. “Ramos is very convincing with the dummy and the players have been completely fooled. He even makes a few jokes now, which is better than the real Poyet, though there will inevitably come a point where he will have to say more than “gottle o’ geer”.”

Match Of The Day producers had admitted they knew about the scam from interviewing the assistant manager for the popular highlights programme.

“Yes, we knew,” said the cameraman. “It wasn’t Gus at all- it was actually Garth Crooks with a mask on. We apologise for misleading viewers, but felt we had to comply with the team’s wishes.”

The revelations have led to suspicion throughout the football world, with rumours now abound that Steve Bruce actually has a beard, and that Tony Mowbray and Martin O’Neill are actually the same person.

Last Month:

James raises £350,000 for charity with 6-goal thriller at City

Ferguson: "Hackett caused Lehman Brothers bankrupcy

Boro cancel Pompey game due to coursework deadline