The Armchair Fan: Football's Other Face

Ronaldo to play for United AND Barca!

Cristiano Ronaldo stunned the football world today when he announced that next season he will play for both Manchester United AND Barcelona. In a startling move, brought on by what he described as "the constant ego-boosting arse-licking sheep-like adoration of the British media", Madiera's favourite son named Cristiano explained that he had decided he was really "just too good" to play for only one club (or stay on his feet in the penalty area).

"Average players have to make do with one club at a time," he explained. "I am not average. Look at my haircut."

The move is expected to cause controversy, as it will entail the right-sided-whinger playing only home games for both teams -which will specially be arranged so as not to coincide- meaning the talisman will miss out on trips to such feared destinations as Stamford Bridge, Anfield, The Bernabeau and Moss Side. "It's a bit pointless really," confided Paul Scholes. "We can win our home games without him; the refs will see to that for us." Further consternation is likely to be caused by the cup competitions in both countries. Should Barca and United happen to play home games on the same day, Ronaldo's destination will be sorted out by a gentleman's agreement and a game of rock-paper-scissors between SurAlex Ferguson and 'Pep' Guardiola. SurAlex refused to give any tactical information away, simply giving reporters a knowing wink and whispering "lucky lucky scissors."

Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi in training this morning.

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West Ham Hit By New Injury Worries

After a torrid season which regularly saw up to 15 first team players on the treatment table at any one time- they have particularly large tables at Upton Park –The Armchair Fan has become aware that the club’s injury hoodoo has also been affecting former players and non-playing staff as well.

Tony Cottee was recently seen going down clutching his hamstring while out shopping on Kings Road, while former legend Julian “Terminator” Dicks somehow managed to pull a ligament while bird watching in the Lake District.  Scott Minto, who ‘played’ a season for the Irons in the late 1990s regrettably garrotted himself with his headphones while reporting for Sky Sports, and youth team coach Tony Carr has been described as “stable but uncomfortable” after breaking his leg in two places while watching Strictly Come Dancing.  Even Steve Lomas was thought to have lost his marbles when caught reversing down the motorway by Thames Valley Police last week, but after Steve pointed out that he’d spent his playing career going backwards and bleeding well wasn’t going to stop now, fears of psychological injuries were allayed.

The West Ham team bus this morning.

Hammers Boss Alan Curbishley responded in a typical manner on hearing the news, pointing out that “what with the troubles we’ve had” the former players perhaps didn’t have “that little bit of anger” they used to, before paying compliments to his walking wounded and starting Louis Boa Morte up front in stead of a fit Dean Ashton in the next game.

Speculators claim the injury jinx is the result of the old chairman Eggbert “Fried Egg” “Eggy” “Egg-head” “Scrambled” Magnusson selling the club’s soul to the Devil over the Carlos Tevez saga. However Tevez’s owner, Kia Joorabchian, while not outright denying that he was in fact Beelzebub himself, preferred to imply that the East End club had strong connections with the archaeological team who first discovered Tutankhamen’s tomb and who likewise seemed to suffer from a curse afterwards. “I know Steve Potts used to love his fossils,” he said knowingly.

Probably the worst news however was for former Hammers midfielder Paul Ince, who was unfortunately announced as Blackburn boss a few days ago. Get well soon Paul.

Wenger admits: "I am a Champ Man addict!"

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was recently checked into the fashionable London rehabilitation clinic The Priory after being diagnosed as a Championship Manager addict. Close friends first became suspicious after Mr Wenger tried to sign Zinedine Zidane as a foetus back in 1971, and became particularly worried when he refused to watch matches from any view other than birds-eye.  After continued pressure they managed to get him to admit he had been playing repeated seasons on Championship manager, playing games so fast he was always at least 8 years ahead of the current time and thereby showing him current youth players at the peaks of their powers.

Arsene discusses the finer points of "Attacking style: Long Balls"

Mr Wenger has always been known for being able to identify talent early, as demonstrated by his days at AS Monaco when he identified talent in a young Youri Djorkaeff from the convincing way he peeled a banana. Later, at Arsenal, he was driving home one night when he saw a young boy struggling with his maths homework. After checking over his long division, Wenger had seen enough to invite the lad to trials, and that youngster turned out later to be Ray Parlour (obviously he always had been Ray Parlour, but it meant nothing at all back then). 

The hospitalisation of Mr Wenger will no doubt be a blow to all those who enjoy his post-match complaining, but shrewd football pundits have rightly pointed out that with his secret out, there is nothing to stop all managers buying a copy of the game and identifying young talent themselves. Indeed, Brian Barwick, chief of the FA, is currently said to be investigating a plan to ditch traditional football altogether and replace it with a national online game, although plans are not too advanced at the present time.

When asked to comment on his move into The Priory, Mr Wenger was less than forthcoming. “I did not see it myself,” he whinged, “but I am pretty certain there was a penalty there somewhere.”

Match of the Day Hit With "Filler Material" Accusations

Spokespeople for the pillar of English society that is Match of the Day have reacted angrily to claims that much of MOTD2 is simply “filler material”, passed off as “a light-hearted look” at some aspect of football or a banterous jape at the expense of one of the hapless presenters. Recent features on the programme have included insights into stadium burgers, reinactions of John Motson’s various facial expressions and detailed coverage of Chelsea games. This has led many members of the public to question the validity of a programme which they argue is rendered useless by MOTD1 the evening before.

“It’s pathetic,” one fan said. “Everything is fine with the Saturday one. Then it gets to Sunday and they wheel out Adrian Charles and second-rate pundits. They can’t fill much time with the two Sunday games, and after showing the Saturday goals they seem to have no idea how to fill the time. It normally resorts to sub-standard TV where they poke fun at Alan Hansen’s shirts or discuss the finer points of Rio Ferdinand’s haircut; it’s ridiculous.”

Many viewers put this down to the domination by the successful Saturday broadcast and the other sporting programmes already shown by The Beeb.

“I can understand it,” said one fan, named Tony. “All the good bits are either shown on the Saturday or cut out entirely and pieced together for Inside Sport. All the jokes are done by Gary Lineaker and all the news goes out on the Saturday too. Sundays are becoming a bit of a farce.”

Someone watching Match of the Day 2 last Sunday.

How long it is before Sundays are removed from the week altogether is open to debate, but it is certain that while uneventful discussions continue between an outrageously tanned Gavin Peacock and a soporific Adrian Charles, highlighting the contribution to football and the human condition as a whole of Bob “Belly” Baker, who used to work the roller at The Stadium of Light until he retired 10 years early thinking he’d won the lottery when blow me he actually hadn’t, but he’ll be remembered anyway as a lovable sort of fellow who spent many hours cutting the precious northern turf until all the blades of grass were within 3mm of the same height, it seems unlikely that MOTD2 will ever step out of the shadow of it’s fantastic older brother.

Spurs to Play Topless Next Season

Liverpool/Spurs/Man United/Chelsea fight over baby

An astonishing 4-way battle has broken out between some of the biggest teams in the Premiership to sign Steven Matthews, a 2-month-old boy from Dartmouth. Matthews, who at the tender age of 3 weeks had already successfully slept in the lounge while his father has been watching the football and now already sometimes gargles when his brother Mark (5) wears an Arsenal shirt, has become a poignant reminder of a footballing world in which the competition for talented players gets fiercer and fiercer.

“I don’t blame them,” said his devoted father, Kevin. “He will definitely play for England one day, I’m sure of it.”

But can clubs really tell that much about a child’s potential at such a young age?

Chelsea senior players prepare a free kick routine.

“It’s debatable,” says Chelsea’s chief scout, Yung Prodigyic. “You see something different in them, you sign them up, they make it or they don’t. Some people deny we can tell what makes children great because many don’t go on to be the next Claudio Pizarro or Marcus Bent. I know we can tell though- it may look like luck, but it’s actually fate.”

Negotiations for Matthews’ signature are likely to go one for the foreseeable future- not least because the infant is taking an inconveniently long time to learn to write. Clubs were first alerted when his father posted a video of him sleeping to United and Chelsea. “Liverpool then basically got involved because the other 3 were,” explained Kevin. “They do that- they never want to be left out in the transfer market, it’s in their blood. Then we decided we had to get Spurs involved. What sort of player would he turn into if he’d never been linked with Spurs in the Daily Mail?! Probably not even a professional.”

One thing is for certain though: the kid already looks like a great dribbler.

Keegan books tickets to Champs League final 

While realism has never really had much support at St James’ Park, even die-hard Toon supporters were shocked to discover that new manager Kevin Keegan has already booked his flights to the Champions League final for two seasons after next. The “Kevolution” was hailed as a miracle towards the end of last season- although admittedly this is slightly less of an achievement in a town where things like tides and wind are still viewed with suspicion –and led to much of the fan base believing the golden years would surely return to the North of England sooner rather than later. However, this latest bold statement from the manager has discredited his standing with portions of the community.

“I was right chuffed with the retoon of the king last season,” said one fan we spoke to. “I’d love it, just love it if we could get through the Champions League without getting put oot, mon. Reight now though, it seems a bit of a long way away, like.”

Many fans though felt it was simply a logical step forward.

How long till you get to the final?

“The club has made it very clear,” said Geordie-cum-mockney Brian Gosling. “We have planned the infiltration of the ‘Big 4’ down to the smallest detail. First Liverpool will mount a title challenge, and Spurs will break into the ‘Big 4’. That gets rid of Arsenal, and we will then sign their players and put them in the reserves, at least until they are old enough to drive. Then, with Man United’s best players defecting to local Liverpool where Rafa Benitez will rest them for every important game, and with Chelsea out of the picture due to their players all having moved to Italy, we will sneak up in the 2009/10 season and take the Champions League spot. Then, Bob’s your uncle- we win it the year after. Easy as pie.”

It seems the Toon’s plan is undefeatable. All it needs is Liverpool to make a title challenge and Spurs to break into the top 4; which, as we have been told for years, will be... next season.

Rafa Plans "Tactical Chess"

Rafa Benitez, known as a master tactician in the league of those such as Field Marshall Montgomery and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, plans to literally play chess against other teams for the coming season.

Liverpool vs Chelsea next season?

The tactical leak occurred after Benitez accidently left a notebook containing his plan in the hands of a die-hard red, who then sold it to The Mirror without hesitating.  According to his scribbles, Rafa will be playing two banks of 5 in front of his keeper, with the front a row of ‘pawns’ and the row behind representing every piece except the King and the bishops. As such, he will have two wide players who get up and down the flanks, and two just inside them who can move in an L shape, surrounding a central queen. This radical strategy has been tipped to catch opposition teams by surprise next season by the publisher of The Daily Mirror, the most-read paper in Britain. It also brings into question the future of players such as full-backs Arbeloa and Steve Finnan, who have most definitely been seem moving in other dimensions than just forwards and backwards. On the other hand, it is good news for Dirk Kuyt, who, being of Dutch descent, will be a pawn star; unsurprising as he rarely makes a meaningful attacking move anyway.

The most intriguing aspect will be who Rafa chooses as his queen. As the most versatile and attacking player one would suspect it should be Gerrard, but The Armchair Fan’s money is actually on Fernando Torres. He straightens his hair, you know.