The Armchair Fan: Football's Other Face

'Scary Nicknames' for Prem Teams 

Premier League clubs are in the process of finalising new ‘scary’ nicknames to make themselves sound ‘cooler’, TAF understands. With so many players going to America for their summer breaks, there were strong callings for American-style team names to replace the more functional British names such as ‘Liverpool Football Club’.

“It made cricket more popular,” pointed out Everton’s Phil Jagielka, “And it means clubs like mine can intimidate the opposition a bit more. What on earth is attractive about being called ‘The Toffees’? What are we going to do- get stuck in your teeth!? It’s like saying “look out boys, we’re going to result in you having painful dentistry”. Ridiculous. I’d much rather be called the Everton Eruptions or something.”

Current proposals include the ‘Manchester Monsters’ (with a club emblem of Carlos Tevez), the ‘Boro Bazookas’, the ‘Newcastle Gnats’, the ‘Hull Hulks’, the ‘Stoke Stallions’ and the ‘Portsmouth Punishers’; however there have been question marks raised over the suitability of the ‘Wigan W***ers’, the ‘Fulham F***ers’ and ‘Arsenal’.

“I just don’t see why can’t all just get along,” lamented Arsene Wenger.

Manchester Monsters' new emblem

Last month:

Ronaldo to play for United AND Barca

West Ham suffer new injury worry

Wenger admits: "I am a Champ Man addict!"

Match Of The Day 2 labelled "filler material"

Spurs to play topless next season

Liverpool/Spurs/United/Chelsea fight to sign baby

King Kev buys Champs League final tickets

Rafa to play tactical chess

Megson given loyalty reward

Gary Megson has been given a loyalty bonus from Bolton Wanderers and has been presented with the keys to the city after spending more than 6 months in charge of the North West club. Megson, who was manager of Stoke City for under a year and Leicester City for only 41 days, said he “appreciated the gesture”, but that the key was “impractically large to carry around day to day”.

“When we employed Gary we were pretty certain he wouldn’t be here for long,” said Bolton Chairman Mr Porky Trotter, “but to see him still here after so many months is fantastic. Every day I pop into his office expecting to find his bags packed and his chair empty, but every day so far I have been surprised, touch wood,” he said, grabbing the nearby Andy O’Brian by the head. “This bonus shows the gratitude we show Gary for being a poor man’s Sam Allardyce, and we aim to move forward from here in a unanimous quest to stay in the Premiership and stop being called long-ball merchants.”

Megson's staff keep their bags packed

Mr Megson assured the club’s fans he was happy at The Reebok Stadium, but was still coy when asked to commit his long term future to the club. “I have a long term contract here,” he said, “but in my line of business you can never tell what is going to come round the corner. I get urges sometimes- I like the seaside and I like London. Most days I think I’m fine up here, but then most Thursdays I get twitchy and feel the desire to pop into Covent Garden or stroll down Brighton Pier and I just can’t do that here. Besides, when I stay in one place too long I just clock up ASBOs, and in a few weeks I won’t have anywhere within 3 miles of my house where I’m still allowed to go.”

Last month:

Ronaldo to play for United AND Barca

West Ham suffer new injury worry

Wenger admits: "I am a Champ Man addict!"

Match Of The Day 2 labelled "filler material"

Spurs to play topless next season

Liverpool/Spurs/United/Chelsea fight to sign baby

King Kev buys Champs League final tickets

Rafa to play tactical chess

Dwain Chambers to sign for Wigan

In a dramatic twist to his sporting career Dwain Chambers is to sign for Wigan, the Armchair Fan understands. After his doping trial prevented him competing in the Olympics this August and the collapse of his fledgling American football and rugby league careers, the former British number 1 is set to be racing Emile Heskey for Wigan’s agricultural clearances (and probably the Mars bars at half time). The move is said to have come around after Dwain realised he hadn’t been in the papers for over 6 days, and felt the need to raise his publicity levels again.

Mr Chambers fancies he could “do a job” in the hole behind the strikers, but is more likely to be deployed on the wing or at full-back due to what manager Steve Bruce has referred to as “his hopeless lack of vision, creative ability or ball control”. Despite this however,  Wigan deny the move is a publicity stunt, and claim it is a genuine tactical signing.

“He is huge,” admitted Bruce. “He will be a bit of something unexpected and has pace to burn. He is a commanding physical presence and with hard work over the coming months could really be looking at a regular first team place. Never underestimate the element of surprise. When Cristiano Ronaldo and other ‘proper’ football players come up against him the novelty of the situation is likely to put them off their game. With this in mind, over the coming months I will also be looking to employ 3 garden gnomes, a hedgehog, 2 parking wardens and Sir Jimmy Saville.”

A Wigan training session this morning.

“I am looking forward to the challenge,” gushed Chambers. “I’m looking forward to getting a bit of pace up over the turf and see how my legs stand up to it after so long. I’ve asked if I can play in a vest to make me feel at home, but they haven’t confirmed anything yet. I just need to get my pads back out and my racquet re-strung and I'll be ready to start the first few rubbers immediately.”

Blackburn released their captain Ryan Nelson to compete in the olympic decathlon however- read about it here.

Umbro deny making identical kits

International sportswear brand Umbro has denied they are too stingy to pay for kit designers and have reasserted that their products are “all totally dissimilar”. The Manchester-based firm, which holds the rights to manufacture the kits for teams including West Ham, Blackburn, Sunderland, Wigan, England and other international teams, refuted they use identical templates and simply change team colours, claiming they design each kit with the specific team in mind, adding smugly “if they all look the same it’s because that’s the best possible design”. Before changing it the next season.

Many years ago teams had interesting and innovative kits, such as the old yellow/green Manchester United away kit, the strangely attractive England kit from World Cup ’98, and the ‘indigo blue’ England away kit which lost us the game against Germany in ’96. These days however kit designers are a dying breed, with mass production favouring single templates dressed up as an advertising strategy. Umbro, clearly having foreseen the onset of the credit crunch, have been accused of cutting their design costs with the single design, but this is a claim they ferociously oppose.

Two entirely different Umbro kits

“It’s entirely untrue,” said chief kitman Alan Laces. “We spend hours designing each individual kit. Yes, it is a coincidence that all of the 2007/08 kits had a speckled trim under the arms. No, they did not all have the same collar; some were different sizes. We looked at the individual needs of each team before designing the optimum pattern; Wigan wanted stripes to make Emile Heskey look slimmer for example. Yes, the West Ham away kit looks a bit like the new England away kit and the Sunderland away kit, but the chest stripes are for different reasons. In the case of Sunderland and West Ham it is to increase the intimidating chest size of Dean Ashton and Kenwyne Jones, whereas with England it is entirely it is to remind them that if they fail they will simply be Scotland.”

Fans are unlikely to be appeased though, and many have threatened to boycott Umbro products in the future, which can be the only logical explanation as to why the ‘Bentley 11’ shirts are not flying off the shelves at Ewood Park…

Chimbonda stalked by black cats

Pascal Chimbonda has lodged an official complaint with the police after waking up to find his house encircled by the city of Sunderland. After hearing reports that Roy Keane’s brigade were ‘closing in’ most pundits were sitting back composing articles about the manager’s ability to spot a rough diamond, and harking back to the defender’s offensive forays in a Wigan shirt. However, the Black Cats’ approach turned out to be a far more physical tactic, with Mr Chimbonda discovering the Wearmouth Bridge spanning his driveway on Saturday morning.

Pascal's back garden this morning

 “We thought we’d got him immediately,” said Paul Septlow, a former resident of Farringdon who now resides just outside Mr Chimbonda’s garden shed. “He opened the window wearing a stripy top. It was only after the initial celebration that we realised it was just his pyjamas.”

Mr Chimbonda is said to be impressed by the city’s eagerness to sign him, but feels the methods used were a little crude. “It’s nice to be wanted,” he confirmed, “and it’s nice for the wife to be able to shop in The Bridges Shopping Centre by just popping out of the French windows. The problem really has been the number of people- there are almost 200,000 Northerners camped outside my gates and I don’t have enough chip butties to go round.”

There have been several benefits for the city itself however. Since 2006 the principal export from the city has been Roy Keane on the way to away matches, who remains the main attraction to the city because he used to play for Manchester United. With the move down south to the Chimbonda estate a flourishing financial services sector has emerged, cultivated in part by the increased proximity to John Terry and his gambling habits, and otherwise by the increased success of the Nissan factory; with the majority of the Tyne and Wear population still viewing automobiles with suspicion, sales have rocketed with the new-found outlet of southerners.

“I’m seriously considering the move,” said Chimbonda. “But I complained to the police over the way it was carried out. I like the idea of a short commute, but I also resent the fact they have taken over my cellar as the metro terminus. There aren’t even regular trains.”

Boro admit: Southgate looks like a carrot

Middlesborough have issued a public statement confirming that they have noticed Gareth Southgate’s similarity to a carrot, but that they do not plan to let it hinder the team’s preparation for the coming season. The allegations have been made frequently over the past few years, with recent pressure drawing the extraordinary admission from the board.

“Middlesborough F.C. have always operated an equal opportunities employment policy, and welcome job applications from everybody, regardless of what sort of vegetable they resemble; indeed, we make no reference in our recruitment procedures to whether they resemble a vegetable, a fruit, a legume or bear no similarities whatsoever to any type of foodstuff. Gareth has been an excellent player and now manager for us, and we look forward to his continued success with the club. We have every confidence that he will be able to see through the dark of our present mediocrity and will be perfectly capable of getting us out of the soup, so to speak. We will now be concentrating on the future and consider the matter closed.”

Mr Southgate was unavailable for comment, but winger Stuart Downing was glad to have the issue finally out in the open. “It’s been a problem at times,” he confirmed. “We’ve all known it for years and it’s hard to keep something like that quiet. It’s just something about the shape of his head. When he wears an orange tie it’s difficult not to say something, and that would be unprofessional. There were even rumours Mark Schwarzer left because he bought his wife a pet rabbit. I just hope now we will be able to concentrate on our football.

Who wants the fifth penalty?

Similar statements are expected imminently from rival Premiership clubs, after it was alleged that Arsene Wenger looked like an eel, Roy Keane looks like a Playmobile man, Kevin Keegan looks similar to a cockatoo and Roy Hodgson resembles a prune.

'Arry opposes French connection

Harry ‘never seen a bung in his life’ Redknapp has fiercely denied plans to have Pompey become the next Arsenal. That is to say, while he may well have ambitions of slick passing football and Champions League finals, he does not plan the south coast team to sign unknown French youngsters and turn them into superstars. This Wednesday, the BBC has reported Portsmouth plans to build a bridge over the English Channel to aid the entry of said foreign stars, with the possibility of players commuting back to their native country after training (see the full story here).

The plan had reportedly been to open up a two-way road across from Portsmouth to Normandy in order to help youngsters make the difficult journey without putting them through the stresses of SeaLink ferries, and allowing them to live at home while working at Fratton Park of a weekend. It was thought the southern-most club had an insurmountable advantage, being both a Premiership team and a seaside town close to Calais, and senior club officials saw the bridge as a perfect manner in which to commandeer top talent without exposing them to the English locals’ strange primeval customs. In the past players like Ronaldinho, Lionel Messi and Andre Pirlo have come close to signing for Redknapp (quite obviously without any sort of back-hander; ‘arry doesn’t do that sort of stuff) but were put off by the prospect of living in a highly patriotic naval community, the wet English ‘seaside weather’, and near Kevin Pieterson. However , the proposed bridge- a Water-Arching Non-pillared Erection, or WAyNE –would have circumvented these problems, while raising the status of the club in Northern France and literally building bridges with the community.

Pompey's plan for European domination

“It would have been perfect,” a senior club figure was quoted as remarking. “We could have let the boys drive back home each day after training, and we wouldn’t have had to waste money getting them settled in this country. We could even have stuck a speed camera half-way across, and made a few bob that way too. Without it, we’ll be stuck having to sign over-priced, English rejects. Like Crouchie.”

The manager has lambasted the scheme however. “"I never expected to get the bridge. That was never a goer. I read the papers but there was nothing in that at all," he added.

Sepp Blatter in shock anti-England remark

Sepp Blatter has shocked the footballing world by expressing a less-than-complimentary view of the English game, in public. Again. After openly admitting he feels English clubs are ‘eroding the identity’ of its football, admitting he would personally scupper any English attempt to host the World Cup having already accused them of ruining a previous one, Sepp ‘us Swiss are always neutral’ Blatter has let two more anti-England attacks loose in the space of days. Having cleared Real Madrid of any wrong doing over the alleged tapping-up of Cristiano Ronaldo due to a “lack of evidence”, he has compared millionaire footballers with slaves, saying they should be able to play for the club they wish (although see how angry his boss Mr Platini gets when the club they want is English) without taking notice of their pesky contracts.

A United training session yesterday.

Mr Blatter failed to find enough evidence to punish Real Madrid over the Ronaldo affair, claiming the pre-contract contract, company car, the public announcements and pre-emptive selling of Ronaldo shirts to Madrid fans was purely ‘circumstantial’ and ‘insignificant’ as it had been carried out by a Spanish club rather than an English one. However, when Stoke City humorously confirmed they ‘wouldn’t say no’ if Milan maestro Kaka turned up on their doorstep and begged to don the red and white shirt for them next season, Blatter was swift in his reprisals. “It was totally out of order and designed to unsettle the player,” he raged. “I will look into having them relegated immediately.”

His latest comments, suggesting players’ contracts are worth less than the paper they are written on, compared uber-rich players such as Shevchenko, Lampard and Ronaldo with slaves, forced to work until they died, with no rights or freedom. “I agree,” said West Ham’s Kieron Dyer. “I work to the bone for my money- do you think it’s easy lying on the treatment table season after season? In many ways I think I’d rather have been a slave. At least then I wouldn’t have to listen to Anton Ferdinand singing ‘Soulja Boy’ in the dressing room.”

BoJo lined up to be the next Motty

BBC chiefs are said to have lined up London Mayor Boris Johnson as a replacement for veteran commentator John Motson, who commented on his last significant tournament with Euro 2008. Motson was known around the country, and amongst the seven foreigners who don’t immediately switch over to other programmes whenever England games are shown on the Beeb, as the source of endless information and ‘interesting’ trivia. Who better to replace him, then, than BoJo, who also talks a lot of £%$&.

Motty’s crowning glory came after managing to list the ‘top 25 most-played’ on David Nugent’s itunes while waiting for a throw in during an England friendly a few years ago; a feat made more impressive by the fact that he named both the song, the album, the artist and other well-known tracks by the same person as an aside. This will undoubtedly be a tough act for BoJo to follow, but, ever confident, he has no doubts that he is able to do so.

“Oh well yes, erm… yes, of course, you know… I’ll be able to follow- and that is to say, I will be aspiring to be as good as… if not better than… well, of course, assuming that’s possible, you know… than Motty; I also feel however.. in fact we- we all feel- we all feel this can be a positive move- we all feel this can be a positive move, although we clearly can’t be certain, ha ha! We’re not mind-readers are we, we’re n- sorry, psychics, we’re not psychics, so we can’t tell for certain… We’re not mind-readers either, obviously…” said Mr Johnson. Or something.

Anyway, The BBC bosses thought it would be a good thing for the nation to have one of it’s representatives actually in touch with young people, and football seems a useful medium through which to achieve this. Mark Lawrenson however is reported to be less than impressed.

“He makes the jokes round here,” said a close friend. “He shouldn’t be playing straight man to a clown- he’s not Sam Allardyce’s PA.”

Boris hard at work as normal.

Chicago Fire in for... Michael Brown

The latest European superstar planning to make the trip across the pond to try and bring some civilised ball games to our American cousins is said to be none other than Wigan’s “mercurial talisman”… Michael Brown.

Chicago Fire’s boss ‘Uncle’ Sam Fictionly said Brown fits the mould of a superstar who can take the game to the next level there perfectly.

“We needed a winner, someone who can draw crowds with his footwork, thrill youngsters with his shooting, astound with his skills and set pulses jumping with his smile. Brown does all of that. He has played at the highest level for all Europe’s biggest clubs and had major roles in all the important soccer games of the last 10 years. He has the personality to lead, inspire and entertain; not to mention the ability to command respect from his team-mates and fellow centre-fielders the world over. This is not just a singing of a soccer wizard, it is a sensible investment in a figurehead who can make USA soccer the most watched sport in North America. It is for this reason we are paying him the same as Beckham, and we believe it will not be a penny wasted.”

David Beckham himself, who is said to have personally recommended Brown to his team’s rivals was less forthcoming. “I may have made some of it up,” he admitted.

An artist's impression of Chicago Fire

Chelsea offer SW3 in exchange for Kaka

Milan’s vice president Adriano Galliani has announced that Chelsea have made a ‘massive’ offer for Brazilian playmaker Kaka (read about it here). TAF has been led to believe by senior Stamford Bridge sources that this offer includes the vast majority of SW3, £3million and a signed Gianfranco Zola shirt from the club shop. Chelsea seem prepared to give up the vast majority of their territory, leaving just parts of SW10 and SW5 in the West, in an unprecedented move which could cause havoc with the local population. Various national treasures, including Hugh Grant’s house and the room where Bob Marley composed “I shot the Sheriff” (Cheyne Walk) in the ‘70s, would be transferred to fall under Italian rule, meaning many British celebrities would have to decide between moving out or learning to speak Italian.

How attractive the offer will be for Milan to take up is yet to be seen, but Silvio Berlusconi- owner of AC Milan and part-time President of Italy –is famously a fan of Morrissey and may very well be attracted to Sloane Square after it was mentioned in “Hairdresser on Fire”.

“We believe it is an attractive offer,” said Roman Abramovich’s PA’s PA this afternoon. “They give us arguably the world’s best football player- on-field talent and off-field role model. In return we give them a load of posh chaps, a collector’s item and an excellent place to come home to after spending a day in Fulham. No money in the world could persuade them to part with Kaka, but we’re hoping the sentimental appeal of the Chelsea pensioners and the Chelsea flower show may tip the balance in our favour.”

Bargaining Chips

Legal matters involving the sovereignty are likely to be swept under the carpet in a bid to decrease confusion. “I don’t think Grandma will mind,” said Prince William. “To be honest I don’t think she’d notice if the flower show was in Edinburgh as long as we can distract her with some nice tulips.”

It is far from a done deal. However, after parts of King’s Road were roped off and ‘retired’ from use immediately after the signing of Didier Drogba a few years ago, it seems likely the Blues have yet again found a way to get just what they want in the transfer market.

Tourist board fury as foreigners go to Hull

The national tourist office is reported to be furious after it emerged that visitors to the UK may have been subjected to Hull. Geovanni, a Brazilian, and Bernard Mendy, a Frenchman, have both been spotted on Humberside with reports even suggesting that they had had the misfortune to speak with some locals.

“It is a disgrace,” said one source at the tourist office. “We have some of the finest historical places in the world- the home of Shakespeare, Buckingham Palace, two of the greatest universities worldwide, Trafalgar Square and so much more. The last thing we want happening is Johnny foreigner seeing Hull; that’s not the impression we want to create at all. What if he goes home and tells his friends? The country makes millions out of tourism each year, and you can bet your boots that will stop if places like this aren’t discreetly cordoned off from public view.”

"Humberside" by Claude Monet

It is thought the two gentlemen in question were attempting to fly further north, but, probably due to poor weather conditions and the back-log from the Terminal 5 debacle, ended up marooned in Hull. Once there security was not quick enough to prevent them conversing with natives, with long-term effects which will probably be too appalling to fathom.

“We spent years after the rioting at World Cup 2004 trying to change the foreign perception of the English; trying to change it away from beer-swilling tattooed foul-mouthed yobs,” said our source, “and then we start introducing tourists to Dean Windass. Ridiculous.”

It is not yet known how long the men will be staying, but bearing in mind they have been there for at least 2 hours already, experts predict that they have probably grown immune to Hull, and by a miracle may just survive.

Scolari denies speaking English

‘Big Phil’ Scolari has made a public statement denying any knowledge of the English language and demanding the press therefore refrain from asking him any questions. Using a similar strategy to that employed by Fabio Capello at the start of his England reign, ‘Large Phil’ announced, in perfect radio English with a slight Cockney twang, that his command of the language was “too primitive to render any reposts to searching enquiries by the British media within his grasp”, demanding that as a result he should be left alone both during and after matches and should be allowed to do whatever he wants in his private life without media intrusion.

Exactly who he was trying to fool is uncertain; as of yet the only paper naïve enough to believe him has been The Sun, who reported “whatever Scolari was saying, we’d never heard words as long as that before.” However, the desperate attempt to remove himself from the overbearing public eye further illustrates the intrusive aspect of freedom of speech and its weapon, the nosey reporter.

Only last week professional model and part-time tennis player Maria Sharapova made a complaint about over-zealous photographers after leaving the shower in her Wimbledon dressing room to find a “trigger-happy” snapper waiting to pounce. However, in defence of TAF, we did genuinely think she wouldn’t have seen us as we were hidden in her locker at the time.

The future for ‘Huge Phil’ Scolari is almost certain to involve privacy violations of some sort, and it is questionable whether the front of language issues would ever have made a difference anyway. Papers will always write what they want, and it is probably better he tells the truth and uses his right of reply. Otherwise, ‘Oversize Phil’ could simply become the butt of cheap media hack’s poorly-crafted jokes, and it would be a shame to see that happen to a man with as many achievements as ‘Swollen Phil’.

'Gigantic' Phil's English teacher

Americans to take over the city of Newcastle

Private equity fund InterMedia Partners are in discussions with Newcastle owner Mike “one of the lads” Ashley over a move to buy the entire city. The unprecedented move comes as a result of the New York firm’s desire to “put Newcastle back on the map”, which apparently, in America, it hasn’t been for some time. Other missing cities from the UK include Middlesbrough, Liverpool and ‘Scottyville’ (believed to be Edinburgh), but these were deemed less important as none of them are the true birthplace of Alan Shearer.

“Newcastle is a great little town,” said IMP chief Max Fairfax in a typically unpatronising American way. “They’re very developed up there these days- they have escalators and everything, you know. We’d love the chance to buy it, and then, maybe in the future, move some of it back over here.”

In the more immediate future the move would make some significant differences for resident Toon supporters. “Negotiations are at a very early phase,” stressed Fairfax. “But obviously we’d be looking at either getting some sort of baseball pitch out in over St James’ park, or we’d have to come to make an arrangement with the FA- in the USA we can’t tolerate draws. That’s why all our sports go on for so long; just to get some sort of winner. We’d have to have 4-hour matches or something; ideally with some sort of egg-shaped ball and Y-shaped goals. Either way, draws are for weaklings. We need dominance. Why do you think we don’t play cricket? Too many draws. That, and the fact that when you get a piece of land that big over here, you tend to stick a McDonalds on top of it.”

It is thought that most Geordies will oppose the move. Particular problems were found with the American plans to relay all the streets at right-angles and have the policemen carry firearms. Even worse though was the proposal to change the name of Newcastle FC to The Newcastle Knights and make them wear shoulder pads and helmets while playing. The owner of a local Greggs was appalled. “Next they’ll be tryin’ to make us all wear shirts in winter, like.”

Stars in Stripes?

Blackburn release Nelson for Olympic decathlon

Man City to make a record with Jojo

Manchester City have released a statement indicating their intention to sign a huge record deal with young American singer Jojo. Owner Thaksin Shinawatra (formerly of the Asian cover band The Thai Police) has been an admirer of Jojo’s skills ever since “A Little Too Late”, and it has been reported that Sven Goran Eriksson’s dedication to heavy metal was one of the first (metaphorical) nails in his (metaphorical) coffin. The Armchair Fan’s insider, Stevie Ireland, who did not want to be named, said that the owner’s love of pop music was a constant source of friction within the City camp.

“Sven would stroll into training at about 10.30, clearly still pilled up from a gig the night before, wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and giving everyone those funny point-finger signs they all seem to do. We wouldn’t have minded so much if he had at least removed his Kiss make-up. When the owner saw the video to A Little Too Late I think he knew immediately that those were the sorts of qualities you need to compete for Europe, and there was no way we could have got that through Sven.”

Can the gentleman in the 56th row please return Didi Hamman's corner please?

 Now however City have Mark Hughes in charge- a renowned “old-skool” hip-hop fan. He is said to be more receptive to Shinawatra’s demands, confirming “well I can understand the beat, that’s a start.” Whether Jojo will be a success on the City label remains to be seen, but Ireland was quick to talk up her chances. “I know they’re looking at getting a duet going with Rihanna. Man United have shown some interest, but we are confident we can convince her to sign.”

Jojo will be releasing her next single “Blue Moon... We Score Once In a Blue Moon”  within the next few weeks, and is said to be considering working with Oasis soon afterwards- The Armchair Fan will be sure to keep you updated.