The Armchair Fan: Football's Other Face

Mourinho claims Bejing sprint record 

Former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has claimed to have beaten Olympic gold medallist and world record holder Usain Bolt. Mr Mourinho, now at Inter and who is well known for his ‘realistic’ views on life, took umbridge at Mr Bolt’s claims that he was a ‘special’ athlete, and now claims to have run a 9.54s 100m at Inter’s training ground this week.

“I am the special one,” he affirmed for the press. “This Bolt- he is not the special one. I am the only special one, and the record is mine.”

Mr Mourinho, not previously known for his athletic ability, also staked a claim for other world records, including weight lifting.

“I don’t know exact figures,” said the grey-haired maverick. “I have no need for maths. This morning I bench press a family of five… it is enough I think."

Despite the claims though, Mr Mourinho denied he was after the attention.

“I hate attention; that is why I say so little to the press. I hear people talking about ‘lightening Bolt’ and I think to myself… I am the special one, not him. I tell you the truth. I have no need to boast, I am too good. But I know I run 9.54 and I think… he knows it too.”

Mourinho then donned gold running spikes with “Milan 2008” and jogged out of the press conference.

Mourinho found fame in England as a spin doctor and a comedian, but sources close to him have denied the claims are facetious.

 “He was quicker than Frank Lampard chasing an ice cream van,” confirmed Joe Cole, who didn’t want to be named. “He has always been strong too- he once made John Terry cry with a nipple-cripple after a game against Man U. I don’t doubt him for one minute.”

Usain Bolt was unavailable for comment.

Last month:

 Man Utd loan catering staff to Wigan 

After selling Jonathan Greening and Mark Wilson to Steve McClaren’s Middlesbrough, Johnny Evans, Phil Bardsley, Liam Miller and Kieran Richardson to Roy Keane’s Sunderland, and loaning young defender Danny Simpson to former Manchester United midfielder Paul Ince at Blackburn, Sir Alex Ferguson today announced his intentions to loan the entire United catering team to Steve Bruce’s Wigan.

“I always try to look after my ex-players when they become managers,” explained Sir Alex this afternoon. “They played hard for me, so I do what I can with our cast-offs to support them. Crumbs from the table and all that.  I give them mates rates and let them take our squad players for a bit; unfortunately in the case of Steve Bruce, we were unsure whether any of our cultured entertainers would be able to perform on their ploughed field of a pitch, so I lent them the tea ladies. They are ever so nice, and Steve said he needs a squad of eleven just to feed Heskey, so I’m sure they will be useful additions.”

Steve Bruce declared himself “pleased, if not overwhelmed” by the move. “I would have liked to get Rio Ferdinand more,” he admitted. “But I suppose Jennie the tea lady will do just as well. She’s been at United for seven or eight years now; she has served tea, coffee and a selection of biscuits and crisps in the United directors’ box on some of the most special European nights I can remember, so she has bags of experience. I will make certain the rest of the facilities staff here at Wigan make sure to pick her brains as well. Hell, if she’s been inside Old Trafford that long I may even throw her on in centre-mid- she’ll probably be at least as good as Scharner anyway!”

Jennie herself also expressed her desire to make an impact on the Wigan team. “I just felt I needed a new challenge,” she explained. “When you’ve been at the top of your game for so long it’s easy to get complacent. I felt I needed a change just to keep my head in the game- serving different people will allow me to rediscover my enthusiasm for hospitality. I just hope I can repay Steve’s faith in me and confectionary without any problems for the foreseeable future, and with any luck we will be serving coffee here to a European standard in a few seasons.”

She refused to be drawn on speculation over her future however. “I have a contract at Wigan,” she stated. “I am just concentrating on that, and looking forward to meeting my team at lunch time on Tuesday. It was Steve’s passion for fizzy drinks and chocolate biscuits which drew me here; his vision for the canteen was unbelievable and we wanted to be a part of that.”

Jennie and the rest of the dinner ladies will start work in the Wigan canteen from next week, with only a few days to get their bacon buttie practice in before the start of the new season.

A cheeky £5 million bid from Celtic manager Gordon Strachan for Carlos Tevez is said to be ‘under consideration’.

Last month:

 Blackburn to sign Liverpool side of 2001

The announcement that Paul Ince had signed veteran Robbie Fowler for Blackburn indicated the conclusion of the first part in the wily manager’s faultless plan: to sign the entire Liverpool team of 2001. The entire team, including players such as Michael Owen, Jamie Redknapp, Emile Heskey and Gary McAllister, was the side which won the FA Cup  and League Cup, and famously won the UEFA Cup with a golden own goal with the score at 4-4. This clearly impressed Ince and stayed in his memory, as he has since made bids for Sami Hyypia, Vladimir Smicer, ex-Blackburn defender Stephan Henchoz, and made an audacious bid for Jamie Carragher.

“We may have to wait a bit before we move for Gerrard,” he confirmed.

The decision, in the same month as football authority Alex Ferguson labelled Chelsea “too old” to compete for the league, clearly shows Ince’s faith in experience over fitness (or in McAllister’s case, a 34 inch waist), but has come as good news for many Blackburn fans TAF spoke to.

“We’re not used to having a team of winners,” whined one fan. “At least this way we can claim we have a team which won the UEFA Cup, even if they may have been wearing red shirts at the time.”

Some of the harder transfer targets will be retired players such as Redknapp, who have become so attached to their cushy punditry jobs they may object to running round on the pitch again. Markus Babbel, the German right back in the side who played for Blackburn for a season in 2003 and who recovered from Guillain-Barré syndrome while playing, is now assistant coach as Stuttgart, and Gary McAllister recently became the manager of Leeds, but Ince is said to be confident he can convince them to join up with the boys for one last campaign.

“I love the film Wild Hogs,” commented Mr Ince.

Most players from the team are still playing, but only Gerrard, Heskey, Owen, Hyypia, Danny Murphy, Carragher and Dietmar Hamann are still competing in the Premier League, causing concern about the others’ ability to perform at this level once more.

“Yeah, Patrick Berger is a bit unfit at the moment,” said Ince. “But he was never very quick anyway. The touch never leaves you. Sander Westerveld isn’t as sprightly as he once was- he was probably in his fifties at the time –but with diligent stretching I’m sure he’ll be able to limber up again. I think our biggest problem is Nick Barmby. He’s at Hull for god’s sake! It’ll be like trying to re-learn the game.”

The only flaw seems to be the disappearance of the random young Frenchmen, signed in the time-honored Liverpool tradition. Players such as Pegguy Arphexad dropped off the radar after failing to graduate from the Liverpool bench, and have since sunk back into the misty depths of foreign or lower-league football. This didn’t seem to worry Ince however.

“I will just use Wikipedia to track them down. With the age of some of the other lads they may even have a chance of getting in the team!”

“I’m more worried about Igor Bišćan. He’s screening out my calls at the moment.”

Last month:

 Owen fined over lack of goals

Geordies are not known for their over-inflated view of their football team, but in a bizarre turn of events today, Toon hero and England poster-boy Michael Owen has been fined by his manager for his lack of goals in the first game of the season.

Kevin Keegan- himself a down-to-earth realist –summoned the striker into his office after the game against Manchester United and reportedly gave him a thirty-five minute grilling over his lack of goals. Irrespective of the fact that United have one of the meanest defences in the league and it was the first game of the season, Keegan left his talisman in no uncertain terms that he had been expecting Owen to have at least five by this stage of the season.

“Michael is paid a small fortune,” said a club spokesperson. “We expect him to repay us with goals. He has had ample time in which to score them already this season; in 90 minutes you could watch a feature length film, complete a sudoku or boil about 30 eggs. With a class forward like Owen, we would expect him to have grabbed a hat trick in that time, and then some.”

Owen was unavailable for comment, due to being down the training ground practicing being carried off on a stretcher.

This move spells worrying times for Premier League players. With stakes even higher than before with the credit crunch making prize money even more essential, many managers are expected to turn the screws on their teams’ performances.

Bolton Wanderers playing staff will be severely punished for any pass played over 20 metres, with the previous tactics of hoofing it up to a striker being blamed for the dwindling crowds at the Reebok Stadium. West Ham players will now only be paid per performance, after a number of first team players missed the majority of last season with injuries. Kieron Dyer and Craig Bellamy are said to have already applied for unemployment benefits. West Brom are planning to save money by playing their home games in old Newcastle shirts, although it is uncertain whether they plan to change the names on the back.

“It is a bit scarier to be marking someone called Olafembi Martins than your boy-next-door Chris Brunt,” said manager Tony Mowbray. “Plus, their stripes are more slimming than ours.”

Last month:

Ref strike means teams 'to call their own fouls'

After “constant abuse, threats and a lack of gratitude for the job they do,” head referee Keith Hackett has announced that next season there will be no officials for top flight games, leaving the remarkable situation that teams will have to call their own fouls.

The referees’ move came after another season of controversy over referees’ decisions, in which their best intentions were often ridiculed by three stuffed shirts in a BBC  TV studio the evening after a game, and more often than not also in real-time over the radio as well. Now Premier League games will have much more of a ‘playground’ feel to them, as players are forced to cope without any authority whatsoever.

Football has long been the sport of gentlemen, dontchaknow.

“It will teach them responsibility,” said SurAlex Ferguson. “Even if we have a coupe of the subs running the lines, the on-field stuff will have to be sorted out by the players themselves. I would like to think the gentlemanly spirit of competition would lead the boys to treat it properly and fairly, but something tells me every club will now be investing  in a very forceful centre-midfielder to argue with the opposition players over free kicks. I’m trying to get Keano to come out of retirement!”

Early pre-season trials have been less than encouraging. A Portsmouth-Middlesborough game descended into a scuffle after Stuart Downing was accused of shirt pulling by Glen Johnson, who proceeded to demonstrate exactly how Downing had done it using the winger’s shorts. A series of petty fouls in a Blackburn-Newcastle friendly resulted in Matt Derbyshire stamping his foot and running off to find a teacher, while Chelsea’s tour of Ireland was cut short after the first game, when a controversial goal for Cork City led to John Terry ending the match early and storming off down the tunnel. As it was him who had brought the ball, the rest of the players had no choice but to follow.

Some elements of the game have been improved though. There was generally less spitting (ever noticed how no one does this until the age of about 15?), and games were more competitive due to the fact that the captains often lined their sides up on the half way line before the start and went about picking teams. This was bad news for Everton’s Alan Stubbs though- “I always get picked last,” he whined.

Last month:

Rafa: I select teams because of fantasy football

Rafa Benitez has made the startling revelation that he bases his squad selection primarily around his fantasy football side. For seasons spectators and even players have listened in bewilderment to his seemingly random team sheets, with his trademark rotation of anyone doing well, and his annual decision to drop Steven Gerrard away to Portsmouth with its annual result that he has to sub him on again at half time with his side in disarray. Rafa has always called them ‘tactical decisions’ owing to the fact that fully grown men aren’t able to run around more than once a week, but many ‘Pool supporters have more flamboyant names for the selection ‘plans’.

Now though, a revealing interview with TAF this weekend has revealed the more immediate influences on the carousel of players lining up at Anfield. Mr Benitez came clean to our undercover reporter, and admitted he cares more about his fantasy league side than his job.

“I’m in a fantasy league with Arsene [Wenger], David [Moyes], SurAlex [Ferguson] and Keano [Roy Keane],” revealed Rafa. “It’s very competitive, and we all take it very seriously. They’ve all got Stevie G and Torres in their sides, so if they get too far ahead in the league I rest them for the next league game to stop them scoring any points.”

Showing no sympathy for real Liverpool supporters, Rafa even went as far as to suggest the majority of Premier League managers care more about the addictive game than the clubs themselves.

“We’re all paid sh*t loads,” he explained. “The Premiership has become a rich man’s paradise and with billionaire owners meaning only rich clubs can survive, the only way to inject an element of sport for us managers is to use an even playing field- a fantasy league. This way we can really tell whose the best, not just who has the biggest budget. Jose was rubbish…” he added, smugly.

The incredible admission immediately explained many other decisions by top-flight teams.

“Wenger only sold Henry because Moyes was chasing him down in the fantasy league,” said Benitez. “That pissed Dave off, so he bought Yakubu- Arsene already had three Everton players in his team, and had to transfer him out the next week. They were at each other’s throats.”

Benitez even suggested the incident where Arsene Wenger and Martin Jol squared up a few years ago had a deeper fantasy football context.

“Arsene gets very competitive; it’s not good for his health, really. Jol had Robbie Keane in his team, and only let the Spurs players play on because he knew it would get him some points. Arsene had Eboue in his own team, and he lost his clean sheet bonus, allowing  me and SurAlex to close him down in the league. He was livid.”

UFC title fight: Wenger and Jol

TAF can also reveal that Benitez does plan to continue playing fantasy football this year, so expect more random selections and bizarre formations. You can try to predict his movements here.

Last month:

 Mancs steal trophy in Wembley shoot out

The Community Shield is usually a chance to raise some money for good causes and for Sir Alex Ferguson or Rafa Benitez to throw keen fantasy football players well off the scent by starting squad players who are to play no meaningful role in the season. However this afternoon the spirit of charity was washed aside after a group of vicious thugs from Manchester opened fire on Wembley officials and made off with the trophy after a shoot out.

At approximately five o’clock this afternoon an eleven-strong pack of die-hard Manchester United fans scaled the outside of Wembley Stadium and abseiled down onto the pitch, where they became engaged in a running gun battle with Portsmouth-supporting security staff, supposedly led by David James.

“If only we had closed the bleeding roof,” lamented one official afterwards. ”What is the point of having the stupid thing if we leave it open come rain, shine or burglars?”

The mancunians, thought to have been loath to leave things to fate and secure the trophy before the opposition even arrived, succeeded in wrestling the cup from the grasp of a stunned Prince Phillip, although Prince Harry managed to give one offender a bloody nose. They then made off down the players’ tunnel, throwing security staff into confusion by distracting them with a call for the owner of a green Volkswagen to move their car immediately, and by spreading a rumour that someone was considering smoking in row 42.

Selfless Man U players protecting a young child with their lives.

“The real loser in this situation is football,” said Tony Adams after the game, failing to grasp the fact that the actual loser was in fact Portsmouth. “We are used to Man U taking shots. Fergie even takes shots at other managers, sometimes in press conferences. We couldn’t prepare for this though; not at this stage of the season.”

Wembley officials are all confirmed as ok after the trauma, but are no closer to discovering the whereabouts of the community shield itself.

“Community in London should not be about gangs and guns,” said a spokesperson for the stadium team. The actions of these thugs are unbelievable. I’m sure this wouldn’t happen in Manchester.”

Numerous authorities have criticised Wembley’s poor security, labelling the attack “a criminal negligence on the part of the stadium operators”, who were regretfully unable to resist in any more forceful ways than to wear loud orange coats and wave walkie-talkies.

Police are currently investigating Tony Adams’ allegations that Alex Ferguson has been shooting people in press conferences.

Last month:

Only captains to be allowed to speak 

Last season the fracas which emanated from the referee making a controversial (or often minor) decision) resembled a lion pack at feeding time. Players surrounded the ref, swearing in his face and trying to pressure him to change his decision at every opportunity, and it led to many people saying they were taking a long hard look at the game. This season however the boffins at the FA have decided to go one better than rugby- where only the captains are allowed to speak to the ref –and only allow the captains to speak at all on the field of play.

“We don’t mind other players speaking in their own time,” confirmed FA officials. “If they want to go home and deliver a moving rendition of William Shakespeare’s first seven masterpieces, they are more than welcome. However, once on the football pitch, only the captains will be able to communicate with the ref or other players.”

Clattenburg applauds Ballack's rendition of 'Angels'

The radical step, while clearly effective against bad language and backtalk, has been criticised by those within the game for potentially ‘destroying’ tactical football, as players must either communicate via conspicuous sign language or attempt to play the game in a world of their own. This is particularly hard for defenders, as good centre-backs will be in constant communication with each other to confirm marking and positioning.

“The defence will be the hardest,” confirmed MOTD pundit Alan Hansen. “Football needs understanding and communication at the back. Tony Adams and Martin Keown used to ring each other at all times of the day- Martin used to let Tony know he’d just made some toast and Tony used to tell Martin when he’d just put the washing on- communication like that is essential even off the field so pairings can really work together.”

However, not all partnerships will suffer so much. “Alan Shearer and Teddy Sheringham used to have detailed discussions about the work of Fyodor Dostoevsky without even opening their mouths,” Hansen pointed out. “They just knew each other too well- silence was enough.”

“It won’t make much difference to me either,” explained Manchester United forward Wayne Rooney. “Carlos [Tevez] doesn’t really say words anyway- he just kind of grunts and growls. It’ll be a relief not to have to put up with it any more.”

Last month:

Blackburn 'supported' by dummies and models

Blackburn Rovers have been discovered padding out their dismal attendances with ‘models, conscripts and professional crowds’, TAF can reveal. After over a year of sparse attendances on match days, the Blackburn board allegedly became worried that their team would become ‘a laughing stock’ due to increased television coverage of the empty seats, and attempted to intervene to save face.

Sections of the jack Walker Stand were discovered to be populated by groups of inflatable mannequins after a Steven Warnock corner overshot its target, sending a flurry of fans in duffle coats 4 feet into the air. Even if this had not given the game away, one of the ‘supporters’ burst on landing, flying off in an inappropriate loop the loop and landing inches from Andre Ooijer. Players were said to be ‘stunned’, except midfielder Aaron Mokoena who immediately seized one inflatable and retired with ‘her’ to the showers.

Further bad publicity came after an admission by a group of gentlemen in the lower tier that they had been forced to attend the game as part of their community service punishments. It is thought the Blackburn board –friendly with local police groups since a pre-emptive agreement was reached between them after Blackburn first signed Robbie Savage- has been using the conscripts to increase game attendances for over four months, with allegations that 90 minute at Ewood Park counted as up to twenty five hours of community service.

Go on you Rovers!

“I didn’t think it would be a problem,” explained Blackburn governor Roy Over. “They’re better behaved than our real fans anyway.”

The final indignity for the club was the leaking of invoices sent from professional crowds, who the club paid in the region of £150 an hour each, with bonuses of cheering, waving and rhythmic clapping. Crowds are available from the internet for films, organised record attempts and transport system testing, but it seems they were all too happy to attend a football game as well. The precise numbers used were unclear, but it is certain the issue will cause havoc with genuine supporters, who have to pay the princely sum of £30 to watch their team.

“We always thought something may be up,” said former goalkeeper Brad Friedel. “I played for the club for years, but fans still kept calling me by the wrong name. I thought it was just a memory problem at first, but when they started referring to me as the ‘back-stop’ I suspected they may not be genuine supporters.”

The club is expected to announce the sale of 7,000 seats on Ebay as a direct result of the revealations.

Last month:

Government to use crowd chants for surveys

In response to the dwindling voter turnout by people under thirty, the Government has outlined proposals for democratic policies to be based on feedback from football chants. Football crowds provide key elements the process relies on; susceptible group mentality, the display of unreserved true feeling, a genuine majority opinion and the key age demographic failing to take part in the current electoral process. With this in mind, government ministers have proposed to survey fans’ reactions to certain stimuli in an effort to connect with the ‘common man’.

A Labour Party conferance yesterday.

The project will initially stay simple; gauging fans’ immediate reactions to political figures. At a designated time in the game, the referee would wait for a natural dead ball and then pause the game, at which point stewards would display images of individuals- such as Gordon Brown –while government officials would measure the volume of the immediate crowd response (measured in decibels)  and the general opinion they held (cheers, boos, whistles or applause).

This process would allow opinion surveys to uncover the true feeling of British people, without the worry that they are simply embarrassed to describe politicians as w***ers outside the safe anonymity of a football crowd. Should it be found to be a successful strategy, the project’s creators believe it could be a viable method for referendums or even a general election.

“We would start off small, just showing pictures and things,” said leading labour politician and research pioneer Mr F. Atcat. “But if that worked we could try and get a bit more sophisticated. We could ask the crowd direct political questions over the P.A. system at breaks in play, or even attempt to initiate crowd chants.”

This last would involve special teams of ‘cheermongers’ strategically dotted around the stadium, who at specific times would attempt to initiate certain chants, to see if they would catch on.

“We could try getting people to shout things like ‘impose sanctions on Zimbabwe’ or ‘increase the congestion charge’ and if it caught on we would know the policy was a winner. It would be a very revealing method of subtle exploration. Imagine if we could get people shouting ‘the referee’s a Tory’. Marvellous.”

Early attempts to use the technique have revealed mixed results; while fans clearly jeered at stewards holding a photo of Boris Johnson while Cesc Fabregas was preparing to take a corner, they also jeered Winston Churchill and Nelson Mandela, leading the researchers to wonder if they didn’t simply jeer anyone holding up the game. Listening to spontaneous chants was more productive however, with observations of a Liverpool game clearly demonstrating over 90% of the population hates Man United, and that ‘the wheels on your house go round and round’. Whatever that means.

 FIFA ban crowds after bad language

Stricter FIFA legislation has led to the prospect that many Premier League games will have to be played behind closed doors after consumer standards agencies have ruled the level of bad language in the top flight to be ‘unacceptable’. Whereas in the good old days fans could address themselves as colourfully as they wished to players and rival fans alike, the new breed of football player has turned the tables, using the kind of language even Gordon Ramsey would baulk at. This has led to the remarkable observation that fans are actually more sworn-at than swearing, and key factor in football’s decision not to introduce rugby-style microphones for referees (the other reason being the FIFA’s reluctance to make it clear that refs have no idea what they’re doing…).

Solutions to the problem vary; FIFA is planning a complete ban on fans in stadia in case they come within earshot of Wayne Rooney enquiring whether it actually had been offside or not, while the ever-pragmatic FA are in discussions with engineering firms about plans to erect sound-proof Perspex screens over the pitch itself.

Strikingly, very few people have actually suggested asking the players to mind their language, which Phil McChumpster- a doctor of psychology at Coventry University and avid Chelsea fan –explains:

“Removing freedom of expression from a footballer’s game would constrict the wonderful entertainment they are able to give us. Whether that restriction is on their movement- with the offside rule –or on their language, it prevents them behaving normally and is likely to adversely affect their game. In fact, a good swear can do wonders for performance. When Salmon Kalou misses a sitter (which invariably, he will), letting out an expletive can give him amoral boost and remind himself he is still a man. Indeed, players like Robbie Savage and Lucas Neill get through games entirely by swearing. It can compensate for lack of talent, and really scare opposing players.”

I say old boy, could you possibly pass it to me a bit more?

One course of action suggested by Dr McChumpster may solve the problem however.

“If we can replace the bad words in players’ vocabulary with less offensive expressions we may be able to save the game. For instance, when William Gallas gives away a penalty he could stand up, exclaim “Oh fiddlesticks!” and walk off quite happy. Hypnosis could do it very easily- most players only know four or five words anyway, so changing them shouldn’t be hard.